The gang fights vampires
by Willierafferty
Summary: The gang notices an uptick in alleyway deaths in Philadelphia and debates over what the cause is before deciding to find out for themselves. Unknown to the gang they are not the only ones investigating the murders and they are certainly not the more competent ones to be investigating.


writer's notes: Hi ya jabrenois just figured I would explain that this is my first time writing fanfiction and actually publishing it to a website. i don't say this to try and avoid critique or my allotted emotional battery but I sythis to excuse my ignorance as to how the formatting of story's,tags ect work on this website.

I wanna warn Buffy fans now that this story (while later on I Will try to switch to amore whedon esc dialogue for the Buffy characters that appear) This will mostly be told through The format of a typical always sunny episode. Also I'm gonna play it a little loose the timeline of that the buffy characters are coming from as I don't wanna make it heavily based in the current comics timeline as I haven't read them. I go into this with a knowledge of all seasons of Angel and Buffy show's only. That being said I will try to write the Buffyverse characters as true to themselves as I can. All I can guarantee you timeline wise is that this is past season 3 of Buffy.

Well anyway grab your favorite rum soaked assortment of meat and a big platter of shrimp and enjoy.

12 am on a friday

*We open on a shot of Dennis,Dee,Mac and Frank sitting around the bar. Dee sits behind the bar while the rest of the gang sits next to each other on the stools facing Dee. They all have Beers in front of them*

Dennis: Look Dee I'm not saying she didn't kick his ass but I don't think he was a rapist.

Dee: He totally was he was sitting there all menacing in alleyway fronting on her.

Dennis: He was probably some drunk hobo hitting on her.

Mac:Yeah dude the homeless problem around here is crazy.

Dee: No I'm telling you he was Like super ripped.

Frank: Hey I've seen some ripped homeless guys in the sewers you wouldn't believe.

Dennis: Frank I'm sure you've seen a lot of things in the sewer we wouldn't believe and wouldn't wanna hear about at all.

Mac: I think we should not rule out the possibility of a drunk rapist.

Dee: No I'm telling you this guy was tall,muscular and she was like half his size and knocked him right to the ground. She was doing like kung fu moves and stuff it was crazy.

Dennis: Look Dee considering the fact you felt the need to make this "women in the alley" blonde and "attractive" I'm gonna guess this is one of your little power fantaisies.

Mac: Like the time she saw "A famous blonde actor" save a baby carriage from rolling into the street.

*Mac and Dennis laugh*

Dee:It's actress and that did happen.

Frank: I'll back deandre up that did happen.

Dee: Thanks Frank.

Frank: But that wasn't an actress. It was dale.

Mac:Who the hell is Dale?

Frank: A guy who sells batteries in the sewer.

Dee: God damn it Frank.

*The camera cuts to the entrance of Paddy's*

*We see Charlie is carrying a grocery bag as he walks towards the bar*

Charlie: HEEEEY! I got more dead guys shit! *Charlie yells excitdly*

*We cut to a shot of the bar from an angle closer to the door*

The rest of the gang: HEEEY!

Mac:Was it a more rich looking guy this time? Cause the last dude had like nothing.

Frank: Yeah did this one have a suit?

*We now return to the original shot as Charlie places down the grocery bag on the bar counter and and stands next to it As Dee hands him a beer*

*The gang begins to rummage through the bag*

*Dennis keeps his normal composure Holding His beer now*

Dennis:woah guys. We shouldn't judge the Dead guy by how he dresses I mean he could be a very modest dresser who happens to be rich.

Frank: yeah well those guys seem to dress their wallets modest too.

Dennis: Why are you interested anyway Frank? your already rich.

Frank: I like the excitment of it. It's like a claw machine, You never know what your gonna get.

Dennis: Actually you do know. That's the point of the glass.

Charlie: Found this guy in another alleyway too man. It's getting kinda creepy.

Dee: More creepy then looting some person's corpse?

Frank: Hey if he really cared about his stuff he would keep his will on him before he goes in some alleyway at night and. ODs on some smack.

Dennis:He OD'd? Why would you assume that?

*As this conversation continues we see Mac play with a flip phone and Dee takes a sip of beer*

Frank:Well charlie keeps telling me He finds them with these big holes in their necks.

Dennis:Holes? as in multiple?

Frank: Yeah right next to each other. Probably trying to hit the right vein.

Mac: Well if they were rich enough to afford enough to od on they should have some better shit. I mean who has a flip phone anymore?

Dee: Maybe it's some animals that got loose in philly.

Dennis: what's gonna cause two little puncture holes that's tough enough to kill them?

Charlie: Maybe it was a tiger.

Dennis: A tiger?

*Mac begins to look at Family photos in the dead man's wallet*

Charlie: Yeah dude it could totally be a tiger. Like a saber tooth tiger man. I've seen Them on TV man.

Dennis: You think A saber tooth tiger killed him?

Charlie: Yeah those things can adapt to a lot of places dude.

Dennis: Great point Charlie but did you think about the phetarodactles that could have killed the guy?

Charlie: Well obviously I know those got wiped out by the flood.

Dennis: And the saber tooth didn't?

Charlie:Well didn't they like evolve through it?

Dennis: EVOLVE THROUGH IT!?

Mac: Wait guys! Guys! I know what happened. The guy tried to rape the blonde. Got beat up, Found the guy doing smack,raped him. The guy sobered up and tried to forget and OD'd and then the tigerl ate him.

Charlie: Wait I don't get it, Who raped the girl?

Dee: They didn't rape the girl!

Dennis: There was no girl to rape!

*Besides Frank they all began to loudly and indistinctly argue*

Frank:Ho! Hey! Hey!

*Frank stands up from his stool and faces the bar*

Frank:HEY!

rest of the gang: What?

Frank:I know who (or what) did it.

Dee: Then who was it Frank?

Frank: Vampires.

*Mac and Dee share a look of confusion, Charlie has a face of a child like Fear and awe and Dennis has an ever increasingly annoyed expression)

*Dennis stands up and faces the gang next to Frank*

Dennis: Everybody calm down. It was not God damn vampires. Vampires are about as real as this "Blonde superhero" in the alleyway Dee saw. I can assure you There is no such thing as vampires.

*cut to title card*

The gang fights vampires.

*The always sunny theme plays over panning street shots alternating between sunnydale and Philly*


End file.
